I feel the need to ramble about me. Hopefully you'll get to know my sunshine self better and feel more confident commenting on it (no really. I did an MFA in creative nonfiction. We love it when people talk about us).
So let's start very directed. I got into a fight with a friend I've known ten years this week. It was one of those grand situations where we'd gotten into a fight a month ago and this was supposed to clear the air. I don't get it. We used to talk about virtually anything. Now she is a row of closed wood boxes. Locked. I cried. I apologized for my behavior she didn't like. Then I woke up the next day. So I near begged--okay, I begged shamelessly--for more communication. She had never promised me anything other than to try to be less offended by me. What the fuck?
So I haven't ever written about me before, so you don't know, my girls are my girls. Dump a boyfriend, fine. Never let go of a girlfriend. Feeling like I lost her, and that she disapproved of me, makes me feel split open at the chest. I can't get it. My brain rejects it. I feel as if some way I have failed not to be able to get her to let those Pandora Boxes she has closed.
I have decided after long hard thought and still a lot of gut wrenches, that I need to let the friendship go for a while. I have to respect myself. I am no longer sure she respects me.